The concept

The YES is as valid as the NO is easy. So if you want to validate the yes, check the no! In this situation, is it easy to say NO?

Does the person’s condition prevent them from being able to say no?
When a person is too young, too old, has a mental disability, has drunk too much, has taken drugs, is sleeping or has passed out; they are not in a position to make a decision and choose between answering yes or no. They might not even be able to answer at all! In these cases, since it’s not easy to say no, even if the person says yes, their yes is not valid!

Does the situation prevent the person from saying no?
In other words, if their answer is NO, will there be consequences such that they cannot really say NO? Is the person threatened, manipulated, under social pressure, in a position of inferiority, etc.? Because if so, the situation or the relationship makes the person unable to say no. So even if they say yes, their yes is not valid! Phrases like “you don’t have a choice anyway” or “you better say yes” are typical examples of nonfree consent.

The difficulties

There are the obvious cases like the ones I mentioned above, but there are also the more subtle cases which can be just as problematic.

• The very attitude of the person asking the question can influence the other.
  • When you make little puppy eyes to convince the other to say yes.
  • When you insist and ask the same question more than once, hoping that the answer becomes positive. A lot of times the person gets bored and ends up saying yes, but that yes is not valid!
• Past attitudes can also influence the response. If, the last time the other person said no, we reacted negatively (with anger, sadness, revenge, etc.), the person is indeed likely to say yes, but only in order to avoid a negative reaction. In this case too, their yes is not valid!
• The most obvious difficulty is when you do something before you even ask the question! We all agree that if the person doesn’t even have time to say no, that doesn’t really make their NO easier, does it?!

Alie’s tips

• First of all, make sure the person is within their right mind; that they have all their mental capacities.
• Then be aware of the type of relationship between people and the context. Are any of the persons in a position of authority or have a history of manipulation? Is there social pressure or derogatory consequences at play? If so, let’s forget about it! We do not even ask the question, because the consent cannot be valid anyway.
• When we ask the question:
  • Make sure to keep an attitude and a language that is neutral enough and without pressure so as not to influence the response.
  • Make sure to give the other person enough time to think about their answer.
• Finally, if we see that the person is hesitating, we offer them an easy way out :
  • To show them that we will easily accept a NO: “If you don’t feel like it, you can say no, there won’t be any hard feelings.”
  • By giving them a ready-made excuse: “Obviously, if you don’t have time, I understand that.”
  • By emphasizing that there is room for discussion: “Or, you know, we can wait or do something else if you prefer. I want you to want to do it, otherwise, we’ll let it go, it’s better that way.”
• And for the next time: if the person answers NO, we accept and respect their refusal, then we smile and thank them for their honesty and for respecting themselves.
  (Voir la section “Pourquoi on devrait aimer se faire dire NON?”)

“A YES is only a YES if a NO is possible!”

The concept

You know, when you are told not to say yes to anything or not to sign a contract before reading it? Well, that’s the idea with informed consent. Before saying or accepting a YES, make sure the details are clear. Who are the people involved (will anyone else join us)? What is the activity (and especially what does it involve exactly; what will my role be; how are we going to do that)? Where and when will it take place (just once, here and now or in 2 months, in the south and for the rest of your life)? Finally (and not least) WHY? What is the intention behind the proposal; is it purely friendly, totally romantic, pure business or “just physical”?

The difficulties

We often take for granted that everything is clear, that “it’s obvious!”. But the same word can mean different things to another and this is where misunderstandings arise.

Not only do we assume that the other understood what we wanted to say, but we also expect to get what we think was agreed to, and this is how a situation can easily end in surprise, disappointment, or frustration. “Only expectations can lead to disappointment, which is why they put so much pressure.”

Alie’s tips

• Ask questions: “What kind of atmosphere are you looking for exactly?”
• Specify the details yourself: “Alright, but let’s keep it friendly, okay?”
• Be aware that there are missing informations:
  • If you don’t want to ask any questions or add any details, then at least realize that details are missing and that your expectations need to be adjusted accordingly! In other words, saying yes to a vague question is like saying yes to a blind date; accept that you don’t know what you’re getting into!
  • If you’re the one who asked a vague question and the other answered yes anyway; keep in mind that the other person does not really know what has been agreed and that surprises, but also disappointments and frustrations, may arise.

“A YES is only a YES if you know all that it involves!”

The concept

Mainly, you have to understand that nothing is “set in stone” and, yes, everybody has the right to change their mind. So a yes can turn into a no at any point during the interaction and for any reason. In fact, you don’t even need to have a reason to want to change your mind or quit. We stop and that’s it. Sometimes we just want to change a detail, sometimes we want to stop completely. The main idea is that as soon as there is discomfort, awkwardness or that something feels wrong, the YES becomes a NO. We must therefore listen to and respect each other enough to stop.

The difficulties

A lot of the time, we think that just because we said yes we have to go all the way, otherwise “it’s not cool for the other one”. What we don’t realize is that it ends up being much more painful for us!

Sometimes we get carried away by the passion, stop listening to our boundaries, and don’t realize that we no longer like what we said yes to. The situation is out of our control and it is going too far for us. Unfortunately, it is often just after, when the damage is already done, that we realize it.

In some cases, the situation itself prevents us from saying “no more” and stopping what has already been started. Manipulation, threats, or simply the pressure of other people’s expectations can be heavy factors that prevent us from expressing ourselves and our boundaries.

Sometimes it’s ourselves who keep ourselves from stopping the interaction when we need it. We lack self-esteem so much that we don’t think we have the right. Either we lack courage or we just don’t know how to express ourselves. Or, fear invades us so much that we freeze or dissociate ourselves from it.

Alie’s tips

• Mention it from the start: “Hey, by the way, if you or I ever want to quit, can we tell each other, please? I’d rather stop than having a fake one, okay?”
• Stay on the lookout for discomfort: The first step is to be able to realize that you are starting to be uncomfortable. The second step, ideally, is to successfully identify the cause of the discomfort (is it the person, the activity, the context, etc.?). The third and most important step is to speak up! “Hey, can we stop, please?”. We have to keep in mind that WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO STOP, even if we said yes at the beginning!
• Have a code set in advance to facilitate communication: Yes, just like a safeword, it can be a word, a gesture, a facial expression in particular, that will indicate to the other that we must stop. Sometimes it’s hard to find the right words when you’ve made the decision to quit but don’t want to insult the other one or your brain is overwhelmed with pleasure hormones. If we just have a word or a sign, that has been discussed before consent was given, it is way easier.
• Don’t have expectations: When we have expectations, we often unconsciously put pressure on the other. This pressure on the other may prevent them from admitting to us their discomfort or their desire to stop the interaction. Moreover, only expectations cause disappointments. The more one expects a certain outcome, the greater the disappointment will be if the other asks to quit before it is over. Now imagine how the other person will feel when they see your disappointment or frustration because they put their well-being before your pleasure. You will look heartless and they will feel bad.

“A YES is only a YES as long as it is a YES!”

The concept

Well, that we suspected! If you don’t really feel like doing something, you say no. (Just in case it wasn’t clear, we’re not talking about civic or health duties here like taking out the trash, washing your hands before entering a store, or paying for your groceries; you should always do theses, even if you don’t really want to!) When we talk about enthusiasm, we imagine that it takes the total; the leaps of joy, the stars in the eyes and the smile split from ear to ear… No need! It’s more a matter of “wanting”. Do you want to do it? Do you feel like doing it? As we know, some people are much less expressive than others, so you can’t always demand an overreaction, but you should still feel the desire and enthusiasm in the response.

Yes, there are times when you want to do something painful, where you will say yes even if you don’t really like it. BE CAREFUL not to confuse sacrifice and compromise! Compromise, unlike sacrifice, shouldn’t exceed your limits. “In a compromise, it’s not necessarily about having what you want, but you still have to want what you are going to have!” In other words, what you say yes to may not be heaven, but it shouldn’t be hell either.

The difficulties

Often we respond out of reflex or habit and end up saying yes when in reality we would have preferred to say no.

Sometimes we let ourselves be swayed by the infectious enthusiasm of the other, and we say yes, but end up regretting it later.

There are times when you hesitate so much that you end up answering anything instead of what you should have answered (see below for my tips on hesitation).

Alie’s tips

Take the time to think about it! Take at least 5 seconds to ask yourself the question: “Do I want to do this?” Take the time to imagine what the situation would look like if you said yes. Would that be nice? (Of course, before you ask yourself the question, make sure you know what the question is! If you are missing any information, ask questions!)

Usually, the “Oh My God Yes, please!” and the “Oh F%*k, forget it!” are quite easy to feel. It’s when you hesitate between yes and no that it becomes more difficult. So if, in asking yourself this question, you find yourself hesitating between yes and no, think about the type of hesitation you are facing.

• Hesitation linked to the unknown: Try to imagine yourself doing the thing in question and see how you would feel or compare the characteristics of the activity with your values, your principles, your priorities, etc.
  • If you’ve never tried the thing in question, but the idea sounds interesting or has potential, then you can say “Yes, I would like to try”. Subconsciously, it will also facilitate reversibility. It’s usually easier to stop right in the middle, after saying you’re just going to try something, rather than after saying you’re going to do it.
  • On the other hand, if the idea doesn’t sound interesting, or doesn’t seem worth it, just let it go and simply say “No, thank you.”
• Hesitation linked to details: If you like the general idea, but there is one or a few details that feels wrong, suggest an alternative! With a little luck and open communication, you might find an interesting and exciting compromise for everyone!
• Hesitation linked to pressure: If you don’t really feel like doing it, but you feel like you should because it’s a matter of politeness (“It’s not nice to refuse that!”), of reputation (“What will they think of me?!”) or because the other manipulates you, threatens you, or is in a position of authority (“I can’t imagine what would happen if I said no!”), then please say NO! When you start trying to convince yourself to say yes, you should say no. And remember that fateful sentence: “If you can’t say no IN a situation, say no TO the situation!”

Finally, we agree that the idea is not to say that if you don’t want to, you should automatically and all the time say no, regardless of the situation; sometimes it’s worth saying yes, even if we would have preferred to say no … But what is important to realize is that if you say yes without really wanting to, without it being an enthusiastic yes, don’t be surprised if it gets uncomfortable or if you end up with regrets afterward!

“A YES is only a YES if it feels like a YES!”

The concept

The idea here is that a YES for one part is not a YES for the whole thing. So if you ask to have A and the person says yes, you can have A, but if you also want B and C, you will have to ask another question about B and C. You stop at A and next time you could simply ask a question that includes A, B and C.

This concept applies to all elements of the context :

• A YES for a step is not a YES for the entire process or activity.
• A YES for once is not a YES for all the time.
• A YES for one person is not a YES for everyone.
• A YES for one place is not a YES for everywhere.
• etc.

The difficulties

We either assume or forget! We assume that if the person says yes at the first step, the first time or to a person, we assume and expect that they will agree also for the rest of the activity, all the other times and all other people.

We forget to ask the question again at each step, each time, each person, etc.

Even once the context is specified (step, time, person, place, etc.), the most important element is often overlooked: intention. If one agrees to a friendly activity, the mood and attitudes should remain friendly. If one person has additional intentions and ends up wanting a change of mood or attitude, without verifying the other’s consent, then there is a good chance that the mood will become, at the very least, uncomfortable!

Alie’s tips

• If the question seems too vague or implies too much, use the “Yes, but just …” to clarify that consent only applies to one thing in particular.
• And if ever, during the activity, you realize that the other wants to go further, don’t hesitate to remind them “Hey, we said: just …”.
• If the thought of asking every step or every time seems tedious, poses a more encompassing question: “Here’s my plan for the evening:… what do you think?” “What would you say if every time … we do …?” “Can we do this again anywhere else, or do we save this just for here?”

“A YES is only a YES for the question asked, nothing more!”